Planning the funeral and farewell together

Why does planning the funeral together matter?

There is a common belief that raising the subject of a funeral with someone who is dying is unkind, as though saying the word invites the reality closer. The opposite is usually true. Most people who are dying have already been thinking about it. They have wishes they have not shared because they do not want to burden the people they love. Being asked directly is almost always a relief.

When you plan together, two things happen. First, the person who is dying gets to shape how they are remembered. That matters enormously. Second, the people left behind do not have to make painful decisions without knowing what their person would have wanted. The grief of that uncertainty often outlasts the grief of the death itself.

This is not a task to dread. Many families describe planning together as one of the most meaningful conversations they had. Approach it the way you would any important project you are doing as a team. Doing this now means that when the time comes, arranging the funeral is not left to guesswork.

Palliative Care Australia has resources on how to start end-of-life conversations, including guidance for families who are not sure how to raise the subject of a funeral with someone who is dying.

How do I start the conversation about the funeral?

The hardest part is beginning. A simple, direct approach works best. Something like: "I want to make sure we plan this together so I know exactly what you want. Can we talk about it when you're ready?" gives the person agency over the timing without putting the subject back in a drawer.

If the person initiates the conversation themselves, follow their lead. Do not redirect or reassure them away from it. They are giving you an opening that may not come again.

You do not need to cover everything in one sitting. Some families work through this over several conversations across a week or two, returning to it as energy allows. Write things down as you go. Memory under stress is unreliable, and the notes you take now will become genuinely important later.

If the person is not comfortable talking directly, some people find it easier to write. A simple document titled "What I want for my funeral" started by the person themselves can be the beginning of the conversation.

How do we choose between burial and cremation?

This is usually the first and most significant decision, because it shapes almost everything else. Neither choice is better. It is entirely a matter of what the person wants and what fits their values, beliefs, and circumstances.

A few practical considerations worth discussing together:

Burial requires a plot. Plots in metropolitan cemeteries in Australia are increasingly limited and can cost anywhere from $5,000 to over $20,000 depending on the cemetery, location within the cemetery, and duration of tenure (many plots are leased for 25 years rather than owned in perpetuity). Some people have a strong preference for a specific cemetery, which may require early action. Natural burial grounds, which do not use embalming or a concrete vault, are available in some regions and are growing in popularity.

Cremation is chosen by roughly two thirds of Australians. It is generally less expensive than burial and offers more flexibility around timing and the final resting place of ashes. Ashes can be kept, scattered (with relevant permissions), interred in a cemetery niche or garden, or divided between family members. There is no single right answer about what to do with them, and this is worth discussing now rather than leaving it unresolved.

Coffin and casket choices are made with the funeral director and can be decided in advance too. The range is wider than most people expect, from simple timber or cardboard through to wicker and biodegradable options. If the person has a preference, note it. If they do not mind, saying so plainly spares the family from agonising over the decision later.

If the person has a strong religious or cultural tradition, that tradition may shape or determine the choice. It is worth being explicit about this so family members are not second-guessing later.

What should the service look like?

Beyond burial or cremation, the service itself is where the person's character and wishes can be expressed most fully. Some things to discuss and document together:

Location. A funeral home chapel, a place of worship, a family property, a beach or garden, a venue that held meaning. There are very few rules in Australia about where a funeral service can be held.

Religious or secular. Does the person want a religious service, a secular celebration of life, or something in between? If there is a celebrant or minister they would like to officiate, note their name and contact details now.

Music. This is often the detail that matters most to people. Ask the person to list the songs they want played. This sounds small. It is not. Music at a funeral is one of the things families remember most, and getting it right means everything. Include a piece for the moment the coffin leaves or the service closes, and share the list directly with whoever will handle the music on the day rather than passing it verbally through several people.

Who speaks. Does the person want specific people to speak or read? Are there people they do not want involved? Being clear about this now saves difficult conversations later.

Flowers or donations. Many people prefer donations to a charity in lieu of flowers. If so, which charity? Have that detail ready.

Dress code. Some people have strong views on this. Ask.

The gathering afterwards, the wake or reception, is where much of the real farewell happens. The person can shape that too: where people meet, the tone, the food, the music. See planning the wake for how to approach it.

Should we write the eulogy together now?

Of all the planning you can do together, helping write the eulogy is the most underused and the most valuable. A eulogy written after the death is written by grieving people, under time pressure, trying to reconstruct a life from memory. A eulogy shaped with the person while they are alive is something else entirely.

You do not need to write it word for word now. What you need is the raw material: the stories, the details, the moments that defined who the person is. Ask them:

What are you most proud of? What do you want people to remember about you? Is there something about your life that most people don't know, that you'd like them to? What were the most important relationships? The most important decisions? The moments that shaped you?

Record these conversations if you can, with permission. Even a voice memo on a phone captures something irreplaceable. The person delivering the eulogy can use these notes to write something that is genuinely true to who the person was, rather than a generic account assembled under pressure.

Some people want to write their own eulogy. If the person you love wants to do this, support them in it. It is a profound act of self-authorship and one that many people find meaningful rather than distressing.

How do we gather photos and memories for the service?

Funerals and memorial services almost always feature a photo or video tribute. These are typically assembled in the days after a death from whatever is to hand, by people who are exhausted. The results are often incomplete, sometimes in the wrong order, and frequently missing the photos that mattered most.

Do this together now, while you still can. Go through the photos together. The person can tell you which ones they love, which ones they hate, and which ones they want shown. You will hear stories you have never heard. This is not a task. It is time spent well.

Create a dedicated folder, on a shared drive or a USB stick in a known location, with the key photos organised and labelled. Include a short note about each one if you can. Whoever puts the tribute together later will be grateful beyond words.

The same applies to any other materials the person wants associated with their service: a poem, a letter to be read aloud, a video message recorded for the occasion. Now is the time to make these, not later.

What messages or letters should we leave for afterwards?

Some of what a person most wants to leave behind has nothing to do with the funeral itself. Letters to the people they love, especially for occasions they will not be there for, are a profound gift: a letter to a child for their 21st, to a partner for their first year alone, to a friend explaining what the friendship meant. These become irreplaceable.

If writing is hard or energy is short, a voice or video recording does the same work. A few minutes on a phone, someone speaking directly to camera, is enough. There is no standard to meet. A few sentences from the heart are worth more than a polished production.

An ethical will, sometimes called a legacy letter, is a document that passes on not assets but values, memories, and love. It has no legal standing, and it often becomes the most treasured thing left behind. A handwritten page is enough.

What is a pre-paid funeral and is it worth considering?

A pre-paid funeral means arranging and paying for the funeral in advance, with a licensed funeral director. The cost is locked in at today's prices. The wishes are documented and held on file. When the time comes, the family does not need to make arrangements from scratch or worry about the cost in an already overwhelming moment.

Pre-paid funerals are regulated in Australia. In most states and territories, the money paid is held in a trust or used to purchase a funeral bond, meaning it is protected if the funeral home closes or changes ownership. Ask the funeral director specifically how your payment is protected before signing anything.

Not everyone chooses to pre-pay. Some families prefer to keep funds available and make arrangements at the time. Either approach works. What matters is that the wishes are documented, regardless of whether the funeral is pre-paid.

If you are considering a pre-paid funeral, call two or three funeral homes, ask for a full itemised quote, and compare them. Prices vary significantly. There is no obligation to use the same funeral home for both the pre-arrangement conversation and the final service.

How do we document all of our funeral wishes?

All of this is only useful if it can be found. Create a single document, titled clearly, that contains the person's wishes in full. Include:

Burial or cremation preference. Preferred cemetery or crematorium. Service format and location. Music. Who they want to speak. What to do with ashes (if cremation). Pre-paid funeral details if applicable. Location of the photos folder. Any specific requests about the service. Contact details for any celebrant, minister, or funeral director already identified.

Put this document somewhere it will be found. Tell more than one person it exists and where it is. The executor should have a copy. It can also be stored with the will, though wills are sometimes not located immediately after a death, so having a separate copy matters.

This document does not need to be legally binding. Its purpose is clarity and care, not legal force. The executor and the family will follow it because they want to honour the person's wishes, not because they are legally required to.

Should we speak to a funeral director before the death?

You do not need to wait until after the death to speak with a funeral director. Many welcome conversations in advance and can help you understand costs, options, and the process. Knowing who you plan to call, and having had an initial conversation, removes one significant decision from an already overwhelming time.

To find a licensed funeral director, Funerals Australia (formerly the Australian Funeral Directors Association) at funeralsaustralia.org.au maintains a directory of members. Ask for a full itemised price list, which licensed directors in most states are required to provide on request.

Is there a wrong time to say what you need to say?

Of everything here, this may matter most. The things people regret at the end of a life are almost never the things they said. They are the things left unsaid.

You do not need the perfect moment, the right words, or any certainty about how they will land. "I love you", "thank you", "I'm sorry", "I forgive you", "I'm grateful for you": none of these needs a perfect context. They just need saying.