Grief counselling and support

What is anticipatory grief?

Anticipatory grief is the grief you experience before a loss has happened. It is grief for the future: for the life that will no longer be shared, for the person you are watching decline, for the things that will be different, and for the death that is coming. It is real grief, and it deserves real support.

Anticipatory grief is often complicated by the fact that the person you are grieving is still alive. You may feel guilty for grieving. You may feel pulled between wanting to be fully present to the time that remains and already mourning. These are not contradictions. They are the normal human experience of loving someone who is dying.

If you are carrying this and it is affecting your sleep, your ability to function, or your capacity to be present, that is a reason to seek support. Not as a sign of weakness, but as an act of self-care that makes you more able to be there for the person you love.

How do I find a grief counsellor?

For grief specifically related to dying and death, seek a counsellor or psychologist who has specific experience in grief, bereavement, or palliative care. A generalist counsellor is not always the right fit for the specific texture of this kind of loss.

Your palliative care team will often have a social worker or psychologist with experience in this area. Ask them. The Australian Psychological Society (psychology.org.au) has a Find a Psychologist directory where you can search by area of practice. Griefline (griefline.org.au) is a national Australian service that provides grief counselling by phone and online.

For Medicare-rebated sessions with a psychologist, ask your GP for a Mental Health Treatment Plan. Carers can also access free phone counselling through Carer Gateway (carergateway.gov.au, 1800 422 737), without needing a GP referral or Mental Health Treatment Plan. This provides access to up to 10 subsidised sessions per calendar year. Your GP will almost certainly support this request in this situation.

How can I support children and young people through this?

Children and teenagers who are close to the person who is dying experience grief too, and they often lack the language or the permission to express it. Do not assume that children are too young to understand, or that they are coping because they seem fine.

Children benefit from honest, age-appropriate information about what is happening. Euphemisms ("going to sleep", "passing away") confuse young children and can create lasting associations between sleep and death. Direct, kind language ("he is very sick and the doctors cannot make him better; he is going to die") is kinder than it sounds.

The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement (grief.org.au) has resources specifically for supporting children through grief. Camp Erin, run through The Smith Family in some states, provides bereavement camps for children. Ask the palliative care social worker or your GP about local services for children and teenagers.

A family counsellor who specialises in children and grief can be invaluable. If there are young people in the family who are struggling, seek this out sooner rather than later.

What online and phone grief support is available?

If getting to a counsellor in person is difficult, several Australian services offer phone and online grief support.

Griefline (griefline.org.au, 1300 845 745) provides trained grief support counsellors by phone, seven days a week. This is not a crisis line; it is specifically for people experiencing grief and loss, including anticipatory grief.

Beyond Blue (beyondblue.org.au, 1300 22 4636) provides support for anxiety and depression, which commonly accompany grief. The Beyond Blue online chat service is available 24 hours a day.

Lifeline (lifeline.org.au, 13 11 14) provides crisis support around the clock for people experiencing acute distress.

How do I plan for bereavement support after the death?

Planning for bereavement support before the death is wise. If you have a counsellor or psychologist you have been seeing through the final weeks, that relationship will be invaluable in bereavement. Ask them now whether they offer bereavement support and whether you can continue working together after the death.

Your palliative care team typically offers bereavement follow-up for family members for a period after the death. Ask what is available. Many services offer a phone call, a bereavement visit, and a referral to ongoing bereavement counselling if needed.

Grief is not something to move through quickly. There is no timeline, no correct way to grieve, and no point at which you should be "over it". Good bereavement support meets you where you are, for as long as you need it.